Looking towards the future with Hope

(with acapella Auld Lang Syne playing in the background) :)

IndioHistorian’s Log, Supplemental: I know that title sounds cliche-ish at this moment. Perhaps stranger even is the fact that a historian, a Filipino historian at that makes that statement. We historians are somewhat of a pessimist. We love popping some overblown balloons of exaggerations coming from extreme nationalists who love exaggerating facts, and at the same time we shatter the popular stereotypes about our heroes. This is Philippine history. It is not that shiny and glorious as we want it to be… like any other depraved empire or civilization in human history… at least not if you’re on a quest for Truth. All nations have their dark side. But then again Divine Providence has given us a lot of good things in our history to mull over as a nation.

I’ve been walking and stumbling for the most part of 2011 and it had been really bumpy. But I marvel at how God would always carry me through, making my historical and personal lenses squeaky clean. So here is how I will end my 2011… to note some personal milestones. If you’ve been following this blog, just lemme do a mouth diarrhea since its the last day of 2011. Please?

1. I resigned from a teaching job that was so infested with suffocating feudal politics that lasted until April 2011. I handed over my resignation and moved into a job in the government (a drastic change I would say). I have been learning a lot of new stuff about the country’s cultural depth, meeting some humble Filipinos who love the country with all their heart even when their efforts are not recognized. I’m still getting used to the large bureaucracy and tons of papers. But the most surprising learning was how my officemates made me respect the government again (respect level: from negative 100 to positive 2, yey!).

Balloon Popped: IT IS A LIE that majority of Filipinos don’t love the country. In fact I met many people who have dedicated their lives in the service of the Philippines… and many of them have convoluted problems of their own. Want to fix the convoluted problems of this country? Nationalism may help but it is NOT the answer.

2. This year was the 150th year (sesquicentennial) of Rizal’s birth date, and the nation had been celebrating his life significantly. I got to participate in the Rizal conference in U.P., the most memorable conference for me. And, I celebrated my birthday, just before Rizal’s. A historian’s dream come true.

Balloon Popped: It is true that life in the academe is hard. BUT I CAN DO IT!

3. I left an evangelical megachurch that was somewhat trapped in its own bubble, built around the implicit notion that it is the only church that loves the country and cares for Filipinos etc. etc. But the fact is it has forgotten its primary mandate and a lot of people from the inside are painfully seeing it. A certain reformer from Geneva comes to mind: “Is it faith to understand nothing and merely submit your convictions implicitly to the Church?” (John Calvin). It’s amazing how some people become what they are fighting against.

Balloon popped: Now that I’m out of that bubble, I discovered that the WORLD IS SO HUGE. I thought my life then was the real world. No, THIS is the REAL WORLD! It’s possible to live your life on the fringes, where the real people are, with real needs and real problems.

4. I have met some special historian-friends who may not agree with my stand, but who nevertheless keep an open mind to new research, new insights, and new discoveries…the discipline of a historian in pursuit of truth. You’d meet some close friends along the way.

Balloon Popped: Still learning to test my own ideas if they can hold water. I’m learning bit by bit that you need hard evidence to prove your hunch. Historian’s life in that way is kinda crazy. Whose to say that your idea is the only idea? I’m learning to learn from others and filtering some. 2011 has been a big shift of my personal worldview.

5. It’s my first time to take on two jobs at the same time. It is so maturing for a twenty-something guy. The two jobs have the possibility of becoming three.

Balloon Popped: There’s a big difference between having no money and being poor. The difference is like heaven and hell. The former still believes that he can rise out of that predicament. The latter has already settled for what is. 

6. I made two *friends* this year. One is a National Artist and the other is a legit ‘dekalembang’ historian. When I say friends, what do friends do but fight, right?

Balloon Popped: I used to admire them not knowing what they are like in person. But once you get to know them in the nitty gritty way, they’re just normal people with angst that need to be resolved. I hope I become the solution.

7. My Christmas wish was granted. My family is now back to normal. My close friends know what I mean.

Balloon Popped: Anything is possible. Anything.

So I have reason to believe that 2012 won’t be that bad for everyone. A lot of us have gone through hell and back and I can honestly say it is possible to sing even in the darkest, most bleak moments of your life. 2012 will not be what the Mayans say it will be. You wouldn’t stake your life on a calendar made by a people that believed in human sacrifice, would you? A New Year Gift from this Indio to every Indio Bravo in the Philippines and around the world:

“Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:19)

May you have a STRONG and COURAGEOUS new year!

Reminiscences: The Plunge

They say that when a mother eagle teaches a baby eagle to fly, she kicks out the chick out of the nest to let it fall off. One would think that the baby eagle would die like a goo splattered on the ground, but on the last minute, the baby eagle, using his unused little wings struggle to move them… and in an instant, the baby eagle flies.

My eagle plunge happened last year 2010 and it was a dangerous moment. I entered my first professional work as a yuppie.. took on a job as a grade school teacher of an international, and quite a bit patriotic, school.. I thought then that that was where I would live and die. I thought if there was an adventure waiting for me out there, it’s gone. It would be found there in my work.

It had been a year of teaching in that school and it was quite a struggle aside from stress and all, especially because I was always humbled by my students. I thought I would do the teaching, but it seemed then that God would snatch the white board out of my hands and teach me through my students. I began to see myself in them, and in my being a teacher, I began to see how God saw me… a child with quirks and petty struggles. Oh how hard it is for a teacher to give his students his all just for them to REALLY learn and understand the world. And when the teacher succeeds, all the lesson plans and the hardwork and the sweat are all paid off. Tears would suddenly flow then after work hours, knowing that everyday, your student grows and you were allowed to become a part of that wonderful miracle.

Then came my travel to South Korea, April 2010, after that school year. To my shock it was not what I was expecting. It was a very painful experience. Our group, with my mentors, began to be embroiled with the anger of the man we looked up to (maybe too much). Personally it was devastating. But what surprised me amidst all of that was how I began to realize that I’m entering a new chapter. It was time to grow up. No more petty struggles for me. I needed to take every blow as a man. There were times when I would cry in prayer at night in my hotel room asking God why He was allowing these things to happen. And like a sudden comfort, I was told He is in control. From then on, I sensed a storm coming. Yes, I said to myself. You are now embroiled in a political feud, or more like a victim of an Emperor Nero who wanted to take all the glory for himself.

After four months, August 2010, the expected thing happened. The storm had come, but it came so swiftly. My three mentors were kicked out from their positions. We were branded as rebels and extremists and the people we served turned their backs on us. Just like that. It was as if the world was turned upside down. I wanted so hard to explain myself, but I knew it will only worsen the situation. Pain. Tears. Agony. I was asking why. I have loved this church family so much.

There were many things that I heard from people that was just too painful to hear. And not once did my mentors try to defend themselves. I admired their faith, their courage. It was then I realized, it is not about me or us. It is about resting in His sovereignty. Oh how we love to hold the reins, to go to the direction we want to go. But every now and then, God takes over and no matter what we do, we are plunged in the situation we cannot turn back from. That event led me to a resignation that I passed two weeks after. But out of personal honor, I chose to stay on to finish my contract that took another six painful months, a long time to wait.

The pruning was so hard. And yet I believed I stood strong because of Him. It was so tempting to join the herd. But I couldn’t swallow the deception and betrayal. Taking a middle ground stood against my convictions. I believed and I still do, that everything will be revealed in due time. Truth may be suppressed for a little while, but it cannot remain hidden.

I wonder what Joseph felt when he finally faced his brothers who sold him as a slave. He must have felt the struggle, the tugging inside him. Finally the release came as he broke down in tears: “Do not be afraid… it’s me, Joseph… God had sent me here to keep you and your families alive, so that you will become a great nation.” I may not understand everything now, but I will be content.

Faith is a certainty. It is not blind hope, wishful thinking or blind optimism. It is living as though things that have not yet happened WILL HAPPEN. It involves the daring and the believing because you hold on to His promise. “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” All questions, all doubts… all these things are just fragmented glimpses of a grand tapestry being woven by the Infinite Personal God. The only thing left to do is to trust, and to dare more boldly. 

And so I’m taking a plunge, diving in to the untamed sea of the real world. I never realized that I lived in a bubble for so long. It’s time to pop the bubble, and go to the frontier. “Losing sight of land, there I shall find the stars.”

Thus begins this blog. This is a history blog. But more than that this is also a historian’s blog, my life, my loves, my joys, my conviction. I’m now sharing what I have to Filipinos and to the world. And may that passion for Truth in history encourage you reader to read on.

Reminiscences: The Letter Kills

2008. I had been blogging for almost 2 years in college until I was accepted on my first job. I didn’t know anything yet about the world. I struggled to find my own identity amidst the crisis of graduating late, and being dragged down by several unnecessary extra-curricular activities (e.g. sci-fi cosplaying/handling multimedia projects for my student orgs, going-through-the-motions). I was at a loss of what to do that’s why I chose an undergrad course that can easily propel me to other possible goals.

At the time, it was just me, my own little world, my own circle of friends. I thought then that if all these were taken away from me, my life would crumble. I was an ambitious socialite. I thought I was defined by the student orgs I joined in, and the friends that really loved me. What to do with my life after that? I really didn’t think about it then. And so i went on, contented until I flunked a subject, causing delay in my studies. It was during my fifth year in college when all my classmates and friends graduated and left me, that I began to feel that the world has continued to turn while I was left behind. It was then that I thought my life over. I was quite depressed then, but it was still me in my own world. It was then that God intervened and gave me a community that taught me not just about idealism but about life, what it should be and more.

From then on, I began to see my real path, beginning from, as weird as it may sound, from my geekiness. I began to be involved with an R & D group in charge with a lot of avant-garde stuff but with a heart for community and culture. After 3 years, alas, I was proud to be among those who began a movement that aimed to give a solution to the dire needs of the country. My mentors gave me a sense of scale, that I am not just me and my own little life, but I can do more for the 90 million people of my race.

I was inspired by them, I was moved by them, and finally I began to long for something more in my life. As I walked and stumbled, I learned that intelligence was not only overrated but lacking. There are some things that cannot be seen in the mind but in the heart. I finally wanted to contribute, to do something not for myself but for my country. It was a humbling process… I needed to be teachable again, to let go of my pride as an intellectual, to see that “the letter kills but the Spirit gives life.” Like a robot, a piece of metal becomes a human being, with a beating heart, I grew. Finally, after a push of perseverance, I graduated, and after that, wanting to start anew, a few months later I got my first job…

To be continued…